July 14th, 2017

Depression is not being sad. Depression is lying awake, staring at the wall, wondering why you're alive. Depression is feeling empty. Depression is thinking no one cares about you. Depression is never truly feeling one hundred percent happy. Depression is wanting to fall asleep and never wake up again.

People have many misconceptions about mental illness. They think depression is being sad. They think anxiety is being shy. They think Dissociative Identity Disorder is just an excuse for things. They think anorexia is wanting to be skinny.

I want to break this stigma. I want to make everyone see past those stereotypes, to show them what mental illness really is. Yes, some of us do require special treatment. This can mean being able to leave class whenever you want. This can mean not having to take a certain class. This can mean getting to use your notes on a test. This can also mean you can bring something to class that no one else is allowed to have. Special treatment isn't "just because". It isn't because we're stupid and need to be treated like children. Sometimes, we need to be treated differently. But that doesn't mean we're completely different from you.

People with mental illness are still human beings. We deserve to be treated that way. We're not "stupid" or "retarded". Our brains just work differently than yours.

June 24th, 2017

Things have started to look up, I guess. As far as I know, I'm confirmed to have depression. I'm being put on this experimental antidepressant as part of an experiment to see if they work. Basically how it works is that on Tuesday I'm given a bottle of pills, some being placebos and some being real. It's double-blind, so the doctors don't know which is which and neither do I. I take them twice a day, not knowing which one I've taken, and report how I feel to the doctors. This process will go on for nine weeks, after which I will receive a 600 dollar stipend.

I'm a little bit nervous about it, but hey, 600 dollars is 600 dollars.

For some reason every day so far this summer has felt like a dream. My girlfriend is coming to see me next summer, I got to go to the mall last week with a friend and get a bunch of stuff, and way more cool things have happened.

June 14, 2017

I'm actually a lot happier than I probably ever have been. Last night was my sister's graduation and the night I found out my girlfriend is coming to Oregon next summer to see me. I'm really excited to actually be able to hold her in my arms and actually feel her beside me. I just have to get through freshman year, is all, but that won't be too hard. I'm ready. I'm prepared.

Next week I'm going to the mall with some friends. I'm hoping to get a fake nose piercing so I can see what it looks like on me before deciding whether or not I actually want my nose pierced. I've been thinking about it for months now but I'd like to see it for myself before I can actually say yes to it.

Yesterday I also got to video chat one of my closest friends for the first time. She has an accent and it's really cute and we say some words differently and I find that really interesting. She's also really funny and adorable. After over a year of being friends, we finally got to talk with each other face-to-face and it was loads of fun, even if the quality of the video chat was terrible.

June 10th, 2017

I'm officially a freshman. It's a lot to take in, honestly. Kinda crazy, to be honest. I wish I could turn back the clock and be a little kid again, naive but knowing what I want for myself in my future. Back when I was Madison McCraw, the girl who wanted to be an author. The girl who only faintly struggled with her family. The girl who didn't even know what mental disorders were. The girl who could talk the head off of anyone she met. The girl who had a lust for life.

But  I'm not that girl anymore. I don't even know what I am, to be honest. But that's okay; I have all the time in the world. I don't have to go to college. I don't have to work at  Roth's or McDonald's or something like that. I can do whatever I please. I make my own choices. It's my choice where I want to go in life.

I've been struggling with being happy lately. My parents have been at me for the past while, yelling at me for pretty much everything. On a daily basis when they call me to the main room and I say, "What?" in the wrong way they'll scold me for it. If I don't smile at least a few times a day they'll criticize me for it.

But I'm fighting it all. I'm graduating in three years, now. I'll be okay. I can make it.

May 30th, 2017

Things have gone downhill. On Sunday, my sister and I went to the pool. It was fun, but I was feeling cramped by being in public too long, so I convinced her to leave. She, of course, didn't like that, so she texted our parents in a fit. My dad got angry, and once we were all home, he grabbed me by the hair, yanked me off the couch and onto the ground, and struck me in the face multiple times, knocking me down before yelling at me to "get up". He also called me selfish and demanded I pay him back the twenty dollars we spent at the pool. Afterward he of course apologized but kept my phone from me, which of course he's still doing, so I have nothing.

I've been crying a lot this past weekend. I use my phone to talk to the people I call family and it's one of the only ways I can do so.

May 11th, 2017

Things have been low for a while but they're beginning to look up. Three days ago, a hate account was made of me on Instagram. It was private, so I have no idea if they made any posts, but I'm fairly sure they haven't. They messaged me, harassing me by demanding I stopped whining about mental issues in my posts, and argued with me for a while. It didn't scare me, though, and I eventually found out who it was: someone I'd considered a friend. To this day she refuses to admit that the account is hers, but there's enough evidence against her that I know for sure it's her.

Also, my mom came to me yesterday and told me she's officially signing me up for therapy. Next week I'm meeting with the high school's counselor and getting a bit comfortable with her, then for the summer I'm going to Salem for counseling. I go back with the high school's counselor once the school year starts up. I'm really excited, because I'm finally getting help and figuring out what I have.

I've had more trust issues since everything, but I'm easing back into life as it was before. I'm ready to open up, and get help at last. I'm ready to face the world head-on.

May 2nd, 2017

Today isn't that eventful so far, but I'm still in a great mood. I mailed my one-month anniversary gift to Becca yesterday, and everything seems to be in order so far. Only eight days until we receive each other's gifts, and I'm quite excited. I've never really gotten gifts before, so  it's an exciting thing to me.

My parents have been fighting on the daily now. I'm never even quite sure what the fights are about, anymore. They seem to be about nothing, honestly. I fear these fights will explode to more and break my family apart, and that's something I don't want.

I've been really looking forward to moving out and heading to Portland with Becca, as well as meeting my online friends. I've loved you all for the longest time and I'm ready to see you in person.

I apologize if I seem far more polite though sad on this blog; I don't even know why I act so differently here. I promise I'm a lot more happy, excitable, and stuff in real life!