July 14th, 2017

Depression is not being sad. Depression is lying awake, staring at the wall, wondering why you're alive. Depression is feeling empty. Depression is thinking no one cares about you. Depression is never truly feeling one hundred percent happy. Depression is wanting to fall asleep and never wake up again.

People have many misconceptions about mental illness. They think depression is being sad. They think anxiety is being shy. They think Dissociative Identity Disorder is just an excuse for things. They think anorexia is wanting to be skinny.

I want to break this stigma. I want to make everyone see past those stereotypes, to show them what mental illness really is. Yes, some of us do require special treatment. This can mean being able to leave class whenever you want. This can mean not having to take a certain class. This can mean getting to use your notes on a test. This can also mean you can bring something to class that no one else is allowed to have. Special treatment isn't "just because". It isn't because we're stupid and need to be treated like children. Sometimes, we need to be treated differently. But that doesn't mean we're completely different from you.

People with mental illness are still human beings. We deserve to be treated that way. We're not "stupid" or "retarded". Our brains just work differently than yours.

June 24th, 2017

Things have started to look up, I guess. As far as I know, I'm confirmed to have depression. I'm being put on this experimental antidepressant as part of an experiment to see if they work. Basically how it works is that on Tuesday I'm given a bottle of pills, some being placebos and some being real. It's double-blind, so the doctors don't know which is which and neither do I. I take them twice a day, not knowing which one I've taken, and report how I feel to the doctors. This process will go on for nine weeks, after which I will receive a 600 dollar stipend.

I'm a little bit nervous about it, but hey, 600 dollars is 600 dollars.

For some reason every day so far this summer has felt like a dream. My girlfriend is coming to see me next summer, I got to go to the mall last week with a friend and get a bunch of stuff, and way more cool things have happened.

June 14, 2017

I'm actually a lot happier than I probably ever have been. Last night was my sister's graduation and the night I found out my girlfriend is coming to Oregon next summer to see me. I'm really excited to actually be able to hold her in my arms and actually feel her beside me. I just have to get through freshman year, is all, but that won't be too hard. I'm ready. I'm prepared.

Next week I'm going to the mall with some friends. I'm hoping to get a fake nose piercing so I can see what it looks like on me before deciding whether or not I actually want my nose pierced. I've been thinking about it for months now but I'd like to see it for myself before I can actually say yes to it.

Yesterday I also got to video chat one of my closest friends for the first time. She has an accent and it's really cute and we say some words differently and I find that really interesting. She's also really funny and adorable. After over a year of being friends, we finally got to talk with each other face-to-face and it was loads of fun, even if the quality of the video chat was terrible.

June 10th, 2017

I'm officially a freshman. It's a lot to take in, honestly. Kinda crazy, to be honest. I wish I could turn back the clock and be a little kid again, naive but knowing what I want for myself in my future. Back when I was Madison McCraw, the girl who wanted to be an author. The girl who only faintly struggled with her family. The girl who didn't even know what mental disorders were. The girl who could talk the head off of anyone she met. The girl who had a lust for life.

But  I'm not that girl anymore. I don't even know what I am, to be honest. But that's okay; I have all the time in the world. I don't have to go to college. I don't have to work at  Roth's or McDonald's or something like that. I can do whatever I please. I make my own choices. It's my choice where I want to go in life.

I've been struggling with being happy lately. My parents have been at me for the past while, yelling at me for pretty much everything. On a daily basis when they call me to the main room and I say, "What?" in the wrong way they'll scold me for it. If I don't smile at least a few times a day they'll criticize me for it.

But I'm fighting it all. I'm graduating in three years, now. I'll be okay. I can make it.

May 30th, 2017

Things have gone downhill. On Sunday, my sister and I went to the pool. It was fun, but I was feeling cramped by being in public too long, so I convinced her to leave. She, of course, didn't like that, so she texted our parents in a fit. My dad got angry, and once we were all home, he grabbed me by the hair, yanked me off the couch and onto the ground, and struck me in the face multiple times, knocking me down before yelling at me to "get up". He also called me selfish and demanded I pay him back the twenty dollars we spent at the pool. Afterward he of course apologized but kept my phone from me, which of course he's still doing, so I have nothing.

I've been crying a lot this past weekend. I use my phone to talk to the people I call family and it's one of the only ways I can do so.

May 11th, 2017

Things have been low for a while but they're beginning to look up. Three days ago, a hate account was made of me on Instagram. It was private, so I have no idea if they made any posts, but I'm fairly sure they haven't. They messaged me, harassing me by demanding I stopped whining about mental issues in my posts, and argued with me for a while. It didn't scare me, though, and I eventually found out who it was: someone I'd considered a friend. To this day she refuses to admit that the account is hers, but there's enough evidence against her that I know for sure it's her.

Also, my mom came to me yesterday and told me she's officially signing me up for therapy. Next week I'm meeting with the high school's counselor and getting a bit comfortable with her, then for the summer I'm going to Salem for counseling. I go back with the high school's counselor once the school year starts up. I'm really excited, because I'm finally getting help and figuring out what I have.

I've had more trust issues since everything, but I'm easing back into life as it was before. I'm ready to open up, and get help at last. I'm ready to face the world head-on.

May 2nd, 2017

Today isn't that eventful so far, but I'm still in a great mood. I mailed my one-month anniversary gift to Becca yesterday, and everything seems to be in order so far. Only eight days until we receive each other's gifts, and I'm quite excited. I've never really gotten gifts before, so  it's an exciting thing to me.

My parents have been fighting on the daily now. I'm never even quite sure what the fights are about, anymore. They seem to be about nothing, honestly. I fear these fights will explode to more and break my family apart, and that's something I don't want.

I've been really looking forward to moving out and heading to Portland with Becca, as well as meeting my online friends. I've loved you all for the longest time and I'm ready to see you in person.

I apologize if I seem far more polite though sad on this blog; I don't even know why I act so differently here. I promise I'm a lot more happy, excitable, and stuff in real life!

April 30th, 2017

April thirtieth. The last day before May. Heh. Funny. My girlfriend's last name is May. May is also the month when prom is set at my high school, which I go to next year. Which means next month is exactly three years from when I actually get to meet my girlfriend.

I've been a lot happier lately. Smiley. Giggly. Bubbly. It wasn't a ruse this time, either. I was really, truly, happy. Still am. In fact, I'm smiling as I write this. Faintly, but it's still a smile. I've also been doubting things, too. Do I really want this to be this way? Do I really want to go through with this? But I've been fighting it.

My family still hasn't given me therapy or any help yet. It's been a solid three weeks since the counselor talked to them, and they've done nothing about it. I'll have to go to her again, apparently.

I understand why my parents don't want me getting help. They refuse to believe their daughter has something wrong with her, they refuse to believe their daughter has a twisted mind and thinks in a way that's differently than they do. But there's nothing I can do about that. They'll just have to accept it, eventually. They'll come to terms with it. I believe in them.

Things haven't been too well at home, either.  My parents argue at least once a day now.  Last night, they argued for about two hours. I'm not even quite sure what it was about, to be honest. Just a lot of yelling and shouting. It would get quiet, then loud, then quiet again. Over and over. And if I'm not mistaken, I think I heard him hit her once. I hope not.

Part of me thinks this family is crumbling. My life is falling apart. But I refuse to believe that because I think I'm on the uphill slope of the roller coaster I call life. I think I've already had my downhill, and the only way I can go from there is up. Even when I do have those little tiny downward slopes, I always come up. And that's why I'm unafraid of myself.

Yesterday, I became fed up of my friend's friend, who was whiny and always talked about herself. She was constantly complaining about how horrible her life was, to the point of which it practically sounded like bragging about her mental disorders. So I let my friend know first, before messaging the girl. As calmly as I could, I told her that I didn't like how she acted and that her posting all about herself on a shared social media account and her being whiny wasn't okay (it was nicer than it sounded, I promise), and she replied rudely and told me things like, "leave, then". She eventually left the messages but continued on with her whining.

I definitely had an impact on her, which is what I'm proud of. She's lessened up her whining a little, and hopefully, my friend will be ending her friendship with that girl. In my opinion, she's toxic.

April 27th, 2017

Things are starting to look up, as of now, I think. This weekend I have to head to Washington for an open house sort of thing for my dad's work. It's going to be quite boring, but hey, at least I'll have my phone with me!

I'm trying to post on a daily basis, on here, but I don't think I really can. I'll post any time that I can. I know I'm doing this thing wrong, by posting in the mornings, but that's really the only time that I feel like posting, because my thoughts aren't all muddled by the day's activities.

We had a mock trial in my Speech & Debate class yesterday. It's still ongoing today, but we got most of it done. I was a witness for the prosecution side, and was questioned like crazy. And dang, the defense lawyer who cross-examined me was GOOD! She even scared me a little. She's a popular kid whose features kind of resemble those of a snake's mixed with a cat's, in my opinion. She's nice enough, though. Never really had the chance to talk to her much.

My mom has this obsession with this thing called Lularoe. It's a company connected to Facebook where women can sell clothes on (it's hard to explain). She's constantly buying from it, and it's making my dad mad, because she's "wasting money", in his words. He yells at her a bit for it. Yesterday I asked my mom why she was buying from it when my dad didn't want her to, and she got mad at me and took away my phone. I stole it back, of course, seeing as it was a stupid thing to take away my phone for.

Other than that, yesterday wasn't too eventful.

April 26th, 2017

Today was fairly normal. So far, at least. The past week has had its ups and downs, to be honest. But I'm trying my hardest to discover who I am. Right now, that person is a muddled mess. Female? Male? Gay? Straight? Labels confuse me.

I've also been quite insecure, too. About my legs, lips, stomach, fingers, face, hair, pretty much everything. But with the help of my friends and girlfriend, I think I can get through it all and accept myself. I have faith in me.

April 21st, 2017

For a while, I was happy. More than happy. My girlfriend, Becca, treated me amazingly (she still does), and nothing could bring me down. But yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. Sadness hit me like a wave and it all crashed down around me. I couldn't cry (stupid strong will!), and I couldn't do anything, but I felt motivated to do nothing other than lie there in my bed and stare at the ceiling. And that's what I did for a good few hours.

Yes, I'm finally getting help. I went to my school's counselor and she called my parents, and she will be getting me therapy outside of school. I can finally keep my mental health under control.

Becca's been helping me a lot, too. Any time I feel like my self-esteem went down, I go to her because she knows exactly what to say and how to say it to make me happy. I'm not using her for anything, that I can promise. I do love her. She's amazing to me. But I feel apathetic lately. Uncaring. I fear that this apathy will affect her and she will be hurt from how uncaring I am. I'm trying my best to feel something, anything. But at the moment, I'm empty.

She loves me, and I love her. I know that much. You don't have to feel a flutter in your chest each and every time you think of someone to know you love them. You don't have to smile at the simple thought of them to know you care. Just thinking of them a lot should be enough. Caring if their feelings are hurt. Feeling horrible when you think you've hurt them.

I do feel pretty bad about myself. I've went through so many girlfriends over the past year, and none of them had stuck. I've been feeling bad about myself in general (my self-esteem has been quite low), and I get the constant worry that no one solidly cares about me. There's nothing I can do to stop the thoughts that plague me besides ride them out, which is perfectly fine. I'm strong. I can handle a good fight.

I do feel distant. I do space out a lot more, lost in a train of thought. I fear this is close to my downfall, but I know far better. I know I can fight. I know I'm strong. I know that nothing can stop me now. I have my own power that I can handle better than anyone else in my head.

I can do this.

April 9th, 2017

I'm going to admit, I've been a little bit rocky these past few weeks. I've been quivering with my stability, and a bit anxious. I broke up with my girlfriend, Moira, just last night because I didn't feel a spark. I felt nothing. I guess I saw her as more of a friend than anything.

For right now, I've decided, I'm just going to stay away from love and focus on other things, like school, roleplaying, blogging a lil' more, writing, reading, and watching different shows. I have the tendency to jump to asking someone out whether I think I like them or they come forward with a crush on me. It just happens and it's a horrible trait to have. I honestly think I might just be so obsessed with the thought of being in love that I try too hard to experience it.

Maybe one day, I'll find that special someone. Be it a boy, girl, or a genderqueer person, I know  I MIGHT find that perfect person.

It's kind of funny because the monologue I'm presenting in Speech & Debate class is about love and how it feels. I'd write it here but I'd rather not. But it's about thirty seconds long (even though it should be a minute, whoops) and it's really cliche. I'll be presenting it tomorrow and I'm a tad anxious.

March 17th, 2017

St. Patrick's Day. It's not as amazing a day as it seems. Today is the last day my friend is at this school. She's moving back to the state she came from on Monday or Tuesday. Thank goodness we're having a sleepover tonight, just to wish her farewell.

I'm sad. I'm going to miss her. She was probably my closest friend in real life. I've told her everything. The voice in my head, my being trans, my possible mental disorders . . . everything. She's really important to me and supports me every step of the way.

I'm also thinking of coming out to my parents as trans at some point. I'm not quite sure, though. Maybe I'll send my mother a text tonight while I'm away from home to give her some time to mull it over before talking to her about it. Yeah, that sounds like a fairly good idea. I think I might do that.

I'm honestly still a little confused about everything. Should I even undergo surgery? Should I change myself in that permanent way? Or should I stay female in appearance and just change my gender pronouns and name?

March 16th, 2017

Today hasn't been eventful so far. I emailed my school's dean of students to schedule weekly meetings with her about my dysphoria with my body and being trans. I'd have to say I'm just a little excited because I would be able to skip a class and talk about something I like to talk about--being LGBT+.

Yesterday a few people approached me and talked to me about being trans, and told me they accepted me for who I was. I haven't cried yet, but it makes me want to cry because everyone's been so sweet and supportive around me. It's amazing how supportive and kind people can be when told a secret like that.

I know I should tell my parents about being trans, but really I'm just waiting for them to find out on their own. They don't have to know anything like that; it isn't their right. They didn't believe I have a mental illness (which isn't a sure thing yet, so maybe I don't), so why should I tell them about being trans?

March 15th, 2017

I apologize for not having posted in so long. I've been going through a ton lately and have been mostly confused about a ton of things. The road so far (aye Supernatural reference) has been a long and hard road, and I've thought of giving up a few times and also wishing I could turn around and go back to a simpler time.

Recently, I discovered that I might possibly be transsexual (a male in a female's body). I'm not one hundred percent sure if that's true, but I've been going by male pronouns and hope to speak to a few trans boys to figure out if these thoughts of going trans are real thoughts and not just intrusive thoughts. I've thought this way for quite a while, but before it was just thoughts like, I'm a major tomboy, or, I'm a girl who acts like a boy. What scares me the most is the fact that going transgender would mean I would be treated as a male. I would be pushed harder in PE, I would have to use the men's restroom, I would have to learn how to use new body parts (if I choose to get them). I'm scared of that because it's such a new thing and I'm unsure if I want that. Part of me believes that it's just an intrusive thought and I don't actually want to become male, but the other part of me refuses that and thinks that I really am wanting to become transgender.

My girlfriend also broke up with me recently, and I've been taking that quite hard. She's called me a few names as well, such as a whore. Yes, I did call her a whore first, but that was simply because she got herself a boyfriend barely even a week after she broke up with me. I also told my ex I liked her again--the sweet one, the one who's my friend even after everything--and she admitted she liked another and she was in a relationship. Of course, that made me sad and I said quite a few regrettable things, but I got over it after an okay night's sleep.

My week hasn't been all that great, but I've been stumbling through it. This young boy has come out as gay to his parents and they haven't taken it well, so my school's dean of students requested me to mentor him somewhat. I've accepted, and now I can spend some class time in her office with him, sort of coaching him. I'm a bit curious as to how that will go, and a little excited.

Things are really looking up for me. I think this rollercoaster called life is going upward now.

February 9th, 2017

Today, I haven't done much. I did get sad once, and scared, but it went over pretty quickly. That doesn't matter.

I haven't much to write today, but I'll try writing more tomorrow.

February 8th, 2017

Okay, so I admit, I'm alrwady behind on posting because I'm forgetting to do so. Terribly sorry!

But in recent news, I'm getting my hair cut and dyed at some point this week or next. It'll be a pixie cut, and deep red. I'm really excited and ready for it and hope it'll work out correctly.

I've been making major changes to my life, like taking better care of myself and changing my appearance up a bit. It's fun and I enjoy it. My self esteem has been getting higher, which makes me proud to see.

I really didn't have much to say for today, so yeah. Until next time!

February 5th, 2017

Today, I started using stuff for the acne I'm starting to get. I have to do it daily which sucks, but I hope I'll remember to do it.

I spent all day at home, and got some new stuff for school, which is pretty awesome. Other than that, I've been bored and lonely. There isn't much to say about today, really.

I've been constantly tired for quite a while. I don't even know what it is (probably the fact that I go to bed around midnight each night, whoops), I just am always tired and never motivated to go out and do things with friends. Some of my friends are always wanting to hang out with me, which makes me feel important and needed (thanks, guys. Really), but I just never feel up to it, I guess. It doesn't sound fun to me.

I do like having friends and people who enjoy my company, but part of being an introvert means I need quite a bit of time to myself or I would feel emotionally and mentally drained, which isn't a good thing. I would like to hang out with them, though. They're amazing and awesome people and I love them very much.

February 4th, 2017

Today, I completely decided what I would do in my future. I decided I would move to Holly Springs, North Carolina with a few friends once out of high school, and go to NCSU for college. I decided I would major in English, and minor in Creative Writing, which would help my wish to be an author.

Hopefully, North Carolina will be a bit better than Oregon (where I live now). Oregon is boring, with nothing much to do. It rains a lot, and it isn't very eventful. You don't hear about Oregon much, which makes me sad, to be honest.

I've been working on my writing quite a bit. I'm definitely getting better at it. I don't want to begin a manuscript again, as the last time I tried, it ended up being all over the place. I'll probably try when I'm older and can organize things a bit more.

I've definitely been roleplaying, though. In case you didn't know, roleplaying is a form of creating a story with someone by playing a character (or more) and your partner playing the rest of the characters and just sending messages as them carrying out a plot. It's very fun and helps my writing a lot. I have to admit I'm addicted to it, oops.

Welcome!

Hi, my name is Jupiter. You can also call me Jupes. No, it isn't my birth name. And no, I'm not transgender (bigender, though). Just call me Jupiter or Jupes, please. I'm physically female but identify as bigender (look it up), and am a lesbian.

As of right now, I am fourteen and am in eighth grade. This blog has been created to help me with my writing and such. I'll be writing about my daily life and thoughts, as well as answering any questions you have. I'll try my best to update daily.

I also have other social media, such as a Wattpad (dropsofjupiter-) and an Instagram (drxpsofjupiter). Check 'em out if you'd like.

Anyway, welcome to my blog! Enjoy your stay here and check out everything. Read the posts, comment some questions or whatever.

Bye!