June 24th, 2017

Things have started to look up, I guess. As far as I know, I'm confirmed to have depression. I'm being put on this experimental antidepressant as part of an experiment to see if they work. Basically how it works is that on Tuesday I'm given a bottle of pills, some being placebos and some being real. It's double-blind, so the doctors don't know which is which and neither do I. I take them twice a day, not knowing which one I've taken, and report how I feel to the doctors. This process will go on for nine weeks, after which I will receive a 600 dollar stipend.

I'm a little bit nervous about it, but hey, 600 dollars is 600 dollars.

For some reason every day so far this summer has felt like a dream. My girlfriend is coming to see me next summer, I got to go to the mall last week with a friend and get a bunch of stuff, and way more cool things have happened.

June 14, 2017

I'm actually a lot happier than I probably ever have been. Last night was my sister's graduation and the night I found out my girlfriend is coming to Oregon next summer to see me. I'm really excited to actually be able to hold her in my arms and actually feel her beside me. I just have to get through freshman year, is all, but that won't be too hard. I'm ready. I'm prepared.

Next week I'm going to the mall with some friends. I'm hoping to get a fake nose piercing so I can see what it looks like on me before deciding whether or not I actually want my nose pierced. I've been thinking about it for months now but I'd like to see it for myself before I can actually say yes to it.

Yesterday I also got to video chat one of my closest friends for the first time. She has an accent and it's really cute and we say some words differently and I find that really interesting. She's also really funny and adorable. After over a year of being friends, we finally got to talk with each other face-to-face and it was loads of fun, even if the quality of the video chat was terrible.

June 10th, 2017

I'm officially a freshman. It's a lot to take in, honestly. Kinda crazy, to be honest. I wish I could turn back the clock and be a little kid again, naive but knowing what I want for myself in my future. Back when I was Madison McCraw, the girl who wanted to be an author. The girl who only faintly struggled with her family. The girl who didn't even know what mental disorders were. The girl who could talk the head off of anyone she met. The girl who had a lust for life.

But  I'm not that girl anymore. I don't even know what I am, to be honest. But that's okay; I have all the time in the world. I don't have to go to college. I don't have to work at  Roth's or McDonald's or something like that. I can do whatever I please. I make my own choices. It's my choice where I want to go in life.

I've been struggling with being happy lately. My parents have been at me for the past while, yelling at me for pretty much everything. On a daily basis when they call me to the main room and I say, "What?" in the wrong way they'll scold me for it. If I don't smile at least a few times a day they'll criticize me for it.

But I'm fighting it all. I'm graduating in three years, now. I'll be okay. I can make it.