April thirtieth. The last day before May. Heh. Funny. My girlfriend's last name is May. May is also the month when prom is set at my high school, which I go to next year. Which means next month is exactly three years from when I actually get to meet my girlfriend.
I've been a lot happier lately. Smiley. Giggly. Bubbly. It wasn't a ruse this time, either. I was really, truly, happy. Still am. In fact, I'm smiling as I write this. Faintly, but it's still a smile. I've also been doubting things, too. Do I really want this to be this way? Do I really want to go through with this? But I've been fighting it.
My family still hasn't given me therapy or any help yet. It's been a solid three weeks since the counselor talked to them, and they've done nothing about it. I'll have to go to her again, apparently.
I understand why my parents don't want me getting help. They refuse to believe their daughter has something wrong with her, they refuse to believe their daughter has a twisted mind and thinks in a way that's differently than they do. But there's nothing I can do about that. They'll just have to accept it, eventually. They'll come to terms with it. I believe in them.
Things haven't been too well at home, either. My parents argue at least once a day now. Last night, they argued for about two hours. I'm not even quite sure what it was about, to be honest. Just a lot of yelling and shouting. It would get quiet, then loud, then quiet again. Over and over. And if I'm not mistaken, I think I heard him hit her once. I hope not.
Part of me thinks this family is crumbling. My life is falling apart. But I refuse to believe that because I think I'm on the uphill slope of the roller coaster I call life. I think I've already had my downhill, and the only way I can go from there is up. Even when I do have those little tiny downward slopes, I always come up. And that's why I'm unafraid of myself.
Yesterday, I became fed up of my friend's friend, who was whiny and always talked about herself. She was constantly complaining about how horrible her life was, to the point of which it practically sounded like bragging about her mental disorders. So I let my friend know first, before messaging the girl. As calmly as I could, I told her that I didn't like how she acted and that her posting all about herself on a shared social media account and her being whiny wasn't okay (it was nicer than it sounded, I promise), and she replied rudely and told me things like, "leave, then". She eventually left the messages but continued on with her whining.
I definitely had an impact on her, which is what I'm proud of. She's lessened up her whining a little, and hopefully, my friend will be ending her friendship with that girl. In my opinion, she's toxic.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Thursday, April 27, 2017
April 27th, 2017
Things are starting to look up, as of now, I think. This weekend I have to head to Washington for an open house sort of thing for my dad's work. It's going to be quite boring, but hey, at least I'll have my phone with me!
I'm trying to post on a daily basis, on here, but I don't think I really can. I'll post any time that I can. I know I'm doing this thing wrong, by posting in the mornings, but that's really the only time that I feel like posting, because my thoughts aren't all muddled by the day's activities.
We had a mock trial in my Speech & Debate class yesterday. It's still ongoing today, but we got most of it done. I was a witness for the prosecution side, and was questioned like crazy. And dang, the defense lawyer who cross-examined me was GOOD! She even scared me a little. She's a popular kid whose features kind of resemble those of a snake's mixed with a cat's, in my opinion. She's nice enough, though. Never really had the chance to talk to her much.
My mom has this obsession with this thing called Lularoe. It's a company connected to Facebook where women can sell clothes on (it's hard to explain). She's constantly buying from it, and it's making my dad mad, because she's "wasting money", in his words. He yells at her a bit for it. Yesterday I asked my mom why she was buying from it when my dad didn't want her to, and she got mad at me and took away my phone. I stole it back, of course, seeing as it was a stupid thing to take away my phone for.
Other than that, yesterday wasn't too eventful.
I'm trying to post on a daily basis, on here, but I don't think I really can. I'll post any time that I can. I know I'm doing this thing wrong, by posting in the mornings, but that's really the only time that I feel like posting, because my thoughts aren't all muddled by the day's activities.
We had a mock trial in my Speech & Debate class yesterday. It's still ongoing today, but we got most of it done. I was a witness for the prosecution side, and was questioned like crazy. And dang, the defense lawyer who cross-examined me was GOOD! She even scared me a little. She's a popular kid whose features kind of resemble those of a snake's mixed with a cat's, in my opinion. She's nice enough, though. Never really had the chance to talk to her much.
My mom has this obsession with this thing called Lularoe. It's a company connected to Facebook where women can sell clothes on (it's hard to explain). She's constantly buying from it, and it's making my dad mad, because she's "wasting money", in his words. He yells at her a bit for it. Yesterday I asked my mom why she was buying from it when my dad didn't want her to, and she got mad at me and took away my phone. I stole it back, of course, seeing as it was a stupid thing to take away my phone for.
Other than that, yesterday wasn't too eventful.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
April 26th, 2017
Today was fairly normal. So far, at least. The past week has had its ups and downs, to be honest. But I'm trying my hardest to discover who I am. Right now, that person is a muddled mess. Female? Male? Gay? Straight? Labels confuse me.
I've also been quite insecure, too. About my legs, lips, stomach, fingers, face, hair, pretty much everything. But with the help of my friends and girlfriend, I think I can get through it all and accept myself. I have faith in me.
I've also been quite insecure, too. About my legs, lips, stomach, fingers, face, hair, pretty much everything. But with the help of my friends and girlfriend, I think I can get through it all and accept myself. I have faith in me.
Friday, April 21, 2017
April 21st, 2017
For a while, I was happy. More than happy. My girlfriend, Becca, treated me amazingly (she still does), and nothing could bring me down. But yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. Sadness hit me like a wave and it all crashed down around me. I couldn't cry (stupid strong will!), and I couldn't do anything, but I felt motivated to do nothing other than lie there in my bed and stare at the ceiling. And that's what I did for a good few hours.
Yes, I'm finally getting help. I went to my school's counselor and she called my parents, and she will be getting me therapy outside of school. I can finally keep my mental health under control.
Becca's been helping me a lot, too. Any time I feel like my self-esteem went down, I go to her because she knows exactly what to say and how to say it to make me happy. I'm not using her for anything, that I can promise. I do love her. She's amazing to me. But I feel apathetic lately. Uncaring. I fear that this apathy will affect her and she will be hurt from how uncaring I am. I'm trying my best to feel something, anything. But at the moment, I'm empty.
She loves me, and I love her. I know that much. You don't have to feel a flutter in your chest each and every time you think of someone to know you love them. You don't have to smile at the simple thought of them to know you care. Just thinking of them a lot should be enough. Caring if their feelings are hurt. Feeling horrible when you think you've hurt them.
I do feel pretty bad about myself. I've went through so many girlfriends over the past year, and none of them had stuck. I've been feeling bad about myself in general (my self-esteem has been quite low), and I get the constant worry that no one solidly cares about me. There's nothing I can do to stop the thoughts that plague me besides ride them out, which is perfectly fine. I'm strong. I can handle a good fight.
I do feel distant. I do space out a lot more, lost in a train of thought. I fear this is close to my downfall, but I know far better. I know I can fight. I know I'm strong. I know that nothing can stop me now. I have my own power that I can handle better than anyone else in my head.
I can do this.
Yes, I'm finally getting help. I went to my school's counselor and she called my parents, and she will be getting me therapy outside of school. I can finally keep my mental health under control.
Becca's been helping me a lot, too. Any time I feel like my self-esteem went down, I go to her because she knows exactly what to say and how to say it to make me happy. I'm not using her for anything, that I can promise. I do love her. She's amazing to me. But I feel apathetic lately. Uncaring. I fear that this apathy will affect her and she will be hurt from how uncaring I am. I'm trying my best to feel something, anything. But at the moment, I'm empty.
She loves me, and I love her. I know that much. You don't have to feel a flutter in your chest each and every time you think of someone to know you love them. You don't have to smile at the simple thought of them to know you care. Just thinking of them a lot should be enough. Caring if their feelings are hurt. Feeling horrible when you think you've hurt them.
I do feel pretty bad about myself. I've went through so many girlfriends over the past year, and none of them had stuck. I've been feeling bad about myself in general (my self-esteem has been quite low), and I get the constant worry that no one solidly cares about me. There's nothing I can do to stop the thoughts that plague me besides ride them out, which is perfectly fine. I'm strong. I can handle a good fight.
I do feel distant. I do space out a lot more, lost in a train of thought. I fear this is close to my downfall, but I know far better. I know I can fight. I know I'm strong. I know that nothing can stop me now. I have my own power that I can handle better than anyone else in my head.
I can do this.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
April 9th, 2017
I'm going to admit, I've been a little bit rocky these past few weeks. I've been quivering with my stability, and a bit anxious. I broke up with my girlfriend, Moira, just last night because I didn't feel a spark. I felt nothing. I guess I saw her as more of a friend than anything.
For right now, I've decided, I'm just going to stay away from love and focus on other things, like school, roleplaying, blogging a lil' more, writing, reading, and watching different shows. I have the tendency to jump to asking someone out whether I think I like them or they come forward with a crush on me. It just happens and it's a horrible trait to have. I honestly think I might just be so obsessed with the thought of being in love that I try too hard to experience it.
Maybe one day, I'll find that special someone. Be it a boy, girl, or a genderqueer person, I know I MIGHT find that perfect person.
It's kind of funny because the monologue I'm presenting in Speech & Debate class is about love and how it feels. I'd write it here but I'd rather not. But it's about thirty seconds long (even though it should be a minute, whoops) and it's really cliche. I'll be presenting it tomorrow and I'm a tad anxious.
For right now, I've decided, I'm just going to stay away from love and focus on other things, like school, roleplaying, blogging a lil' more, writing, reading, and watching different shows. I have the tendency to jump to asking someone out whether I think I like them or they come forward with a crush on me. It just happens and it's a horrible trait to have. I honestly think I might just be so obsessed with the thought of being in love that I try too hard to experience it.
Maybe one day, I'll find that special someone. Be it a boy, girl, or a genderqueer person, I know I MIGHT find that perfect person.
It's kind of funny because the monologue I'm presenting in Speech & Debate class is about love and how it feels. I'd write it here but I'd rather not. But it's about thirty seconds long (even though it should be a minute, whoops) and it's really cliche. I'll be presenting it tomorrow and I'm a tad anxious.
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