St. Patrick's Day. It's not as amazing a day as it seems. Today is the last day my friend is at this school. She's moving back to the state she came from on Monday or Tuesday. Thank goodness we're having a sleepover tonight, just to wish her farewell.
I'm sad. I'm going to miss her. She was probably my closest friend in real life. I've told her everything. The voice in my head, my being trans, my possible mental disorders . . . everything. She's really important to me and supports me every step of the way.
I'm also thinking of coming out to my parents as trans at some point. I'm not quite sure, though. Maybe I'll send my mother a text tonight while I'm away from home to give her some time to mull it over before talking to her about it. Yeah, that sounds like a fairly good idea. I think I might do that.
I'm honestly still a little confused about everything. Should I even undergo surgery? Should I change myself in that permanent way? Or should I stay female in appearance and just change my gender pronouns and name?
Friday, March 17, 2017
Thursday, March 16, 2017
March 16th, 2017
Today hasn't been eventful so far. I emailed my school's dean of students to schedule weekly meetings with her about my dysphoria with my body and being trans. I'd have to say I'm just a little excited because I would be able to skip a class and talk about something I like to talk about--being LGBT+.
Yesterday a few people approached me and talked to me about being trans, and told me they accepted me for who I was. I haven't cried yet, but it makes me want to cry because everyone's been so sweet and supportive around me. It's amazing how supportive and kind people can be when told a secret like that.
I know I should tell my parents about being trans, but really I'm just waiting for them to find out on their own. They don't have to know anything like that; it isn't their right. They didn't believe I have a mental illness (which isn't a sure thing yet, so maybe I don't), so why should I tell them about being trans?
Yesterday a few people approached me and talked to me about being trans, and told me they accepted me for who I was. I haven't cried yet, but it makes me want to cry because everyone's been so sweet and supportive around me. It's amazing how supportive and kind people can be when told a secret like that.
I know I should tell my parents about being trans, but really I'm just waiting for them to find out on their own. They don't have to know anything like that; it isn't their right. They didn't believe I have a mental illness (which isn't a sure thing yet, so maybe I don't), so why should I tell them about being trans?
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
March 15th, 2017
I apologize for not having posted in so long. I've been going through a ton lately and have been mostly confused about a ton of things. The road so far (aye Supernatural reference) has been a long and hard road, and I've thought of giving up a few times and also wishing I could turn around and go back to a simpler time.
Recently, I discovered that I might possibly be transsexual (a male in a female's body). I'm not one hundred percent sure if that's true, but I've been going by male pronouns and hope to speak to a few trans boys to figure out if these thoughts of going trans are real thoughts and not just intrusive thoughts. I've thought this way for quite a while, but before it was just thoughts like, I'm a major tomboy, or, I'm a girl who acts like a boy. What scares me the most is the fact that going transgender would mean I would be treated as a male. I would be pushed harder in PE, I would have to use the men's restroom, I would have to learn how to use new body parts (if I choose to get them). I'm scared of that because it's such a new thing and I'm unsure if I want that. Part of me believes that it's just an intrusive thought and I don't actually want to become male, but the other part of me refuses that and thinks that I really am wanting to become transgender.
My girlfriend also broke up with me recently, and I've been taking that quite hard. She's called me a few names as well, such as a whore. Yes, I did call her a whore first, but that was simply because she got herself a boyfriend barely even a week after she broke up with me. I also told my ex I liked her again--the sweet one, the one who's my friend even after everything--and she admitted she liked another and she was in a relationship. Of course, that made me sad and I said quite a few regrettable things, but I got over it after an okay night's sleep.
My week hasn't been all that great, but I've been stumbling through it. This young boy has come out as gay to his parents and they haven't taken it well, so my school's dean of students requested me to mentor him somewhat. I've accepted, and now I can spend some class time in her office with him, sort of coaching him. I'm a bit curious as to how that will go, and a little excited.
Things are really looking up for me. I think this rollercoaster called life is going upward now.
Recently, I discovered that I might possibly be transsexual (a male in a female's body). I'm not one hundred percent sure if that's true, but I've been going by male pronouns and hope to speak to a few trans boys to figure out if these thoughts of going trans are real thoughts and not just intrusive thoughts. I've thought this way for quite a while, but before it was just thoughts like, I'm a major tomboy, or, I'm a girl who acts like a boy. What scares me the most is the fact that going transgender would mean I would be treated as a male. I would be pushed harder in PE, I would have to use the men's restroom, I would have to learn how to use new body parts (if I choose to get them). I'm scared of that because it's such a new thing and I'm unsure if I want that. Part of me believes that it's just an intrusive thought and I don't actually want to become male, but the other part of me refuses that and thinks that I really am wanting to become transgender.
My girlfriend also broke up with me recently, and I've been taking that quite hard. She's called me a few names as well, such as a whore. Yes, I did call her a whore first, but that was simply because she got herself a boyfriend barely even a week after she broke up with me. I also told my ex I liked her again--the sweet one, the one who's my friend even after everything--and she admitted she liked another and she was in a relationship. Of course, that made me sad and I said quite a few regrettable things, but I got over it after an okay night's sleep.
My week hasn't been all that great, but I've been stumbling through it. This young boy has come out as gay to his parents and they haven't taken it well, so my school's dean of students requested me to mentor him somewhat. I've accepted, and now I can spend some class time in her office with him, sort of coaching him. I'm a bit curious as to how that will go, and a little excited.
Things are really looking up for me. I think this rollercoaster called life is going upward now.
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