I apologize for not having posted in so long. I've been going through a ton lately and have been mostly confused about a ton of things. The road so far (aye Supernatural reference) has been a long and hard road, and I've thought of giving up a few times and also wishing I could turn around and go back to a simpler time.
Recently, I discovered that I might possibly be transsexual (a male in a female's body). I'm not one hundred percent sure if that's true, but I've been going by male pronouns and hope to speak to a few trans boys to figure out if these thoughts of going trans are real thoughts and not just intrusive thoughts. I've thought this way for quite a while, but before it was just thoughts like, I'm a major tomboy, or, I'm a girl who acts like a boy. What scares me the most is the fact that going transgender would mean I would be treated as a male. I would be pushed harder in PE, I would have to use the men's restroom, I would have to learn how to use new body parts (if I choose to get them). I'm scared of that because it's such a new thing and I'm unsure if I want that. Part of me believes that it's just an intrusive thought and I don't actually want to become male, but the other part of me refuses that and thinks that I really am wanting to become transgender.
My girlfriend also broke up with me recently, and I've been taking that quite hard. She's called me a few names as well, such as a whore. Yes, I did call her a whore first, but that was simply because she got herself a boyfriend barely even a week after she broke up with me. I also told my ex I liked her again--the sweet one, the one who's my friend even after everything--and she admitted she liked another and she was in a relationship. Of course, that made me sad and I said quite a few regrettable things, but I got over it after an okay night's sleep.
My week hasn't been all that great, but I've been stumbling through it. This young boy has come out as gay to his parents and they haven't taken it well, so my school's dean of students requested me to mentor him somewhat. I've accepted, and now I can spend some class time in her office with him, sort of coaching him. I'm a bit curious as to how that will go, and a little excited.
Things are really looking up for me. I think this rollercoaster called life is going upward now.
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