April 21st, 2017

For a while, I was happy. More than happy. My girlfriend, Becca, treated me amazingly (she still does), and nothing could bring me down. But yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. Sadness hit me like a wave and it all crashed down around me. I couldn't cry (stupid strong will!), and I couldn't do anything, but I felt motivated to do nothing other than lie there in my bed and stare at the ceiling. And that's what I did for a good few hours.

Yes, I'm finally getting help. I went to my school's counselor and she called my parents, and she will be getting me therapy outside of school. I can finally keep my mental health under control.

Becca's been helping me a lot, too. Any time I feel like my self-esteem went down, I go to her because she knows exactly what to say and how to say it to make me happy. I'm not using her for anything, that I can promise. I do love her. She's amazing to me. But I feel apathetic lately. Uncaring. I fear that this apathy will affect her and she will be hurt from how uncaring I am. I'm trying my best to feel something, anything. But at the moment, I'm empty.

She loves me, and I love her. I know that much. You don't have to feel a flutter in your chest each and every time you think of someone to know you love them. You don't have to smile at the simple thought of them to know you care. Just thinking of them a lot should be enough. Caring if their feelings are hurt. Feeling horrible when you think you've hurt them.

I do feel pretty bad about myself. I've went through so many girlfriends over the past year, and none of them had stuck. I've been feeling bad about myself in general (my self-esteem has been quite low), and I get the constant worry that no one solidly cares about me. There's nothing I can do to stop the thoughts that plague me besides ride them out, which is perfectly fine. I'm strong. I can handle a good fight.

I do feel distant. I do space out a lot more, lost in a train of thought. I fear this is close to my downfall, but I know far better. I know I can fight. I know I'm strong. I know that nothing can stop me now. I have my own power that I can handle better than anyone else in my head.

I can do this.